Yesterday, famous boy band One Direction announced the release of their new album titled “Four”, named to commemorate the fact that this is their fourth album. When news of the upcoming release was announced, teen girls across the globe were quoted as saying, “WhooooooooooOOOOoooooooooooooo!!!!!”
While the dreamy members of One Direction have always appealed to a fan base of shrieking, fainting, poster-kissing, selfie-taking, bra-throwing teens and 20-somethings, a recent study indicates that the band’s fan base now includes older folks as well. It’s estimated that nearly half of the band’s fans are 35 and older—old enough to be their parents. So now, among the sea of fan posters containing marriage proposals and proclamations of love, concert-goers can expect to find signs with stern warnings such as “Pull up your pants!”, “Don’t Forget to Brush” and “Go To My Room!”
There’s a decided shift in the band’s marketing strategy in order to embrace the aging fan base. Older fans can now pre-order a special 1D+ Memorabilia Package containing a pack of Tums, a tube of Preparation H and a rubber MedicAlert concert bracelet with the band’s logo carved on one side. A limited-edition concert tee boasting, “I Went To A 1D Concert And All I Got Was Hearing Loss” allows long-toothed fans to cherish their concert memories for as long as the ride home. Special pre-concert festivities allow guests to sign up for life insurance and have their BMI checked. A meet-and-greet experience will provide older concert-goers the opportunity to meet and be photographed with the band, then turn and lecture them on a topic of their choice.
The uptick in age of the concert-going crowd is both good and bad. Stuffed animals and Victoria Secret panties are being replaced by ear plugs and compression stockings as crowd-throwing favorites. At one recent concert, a band member was struck in the face with a Spanx body suit, slung-shot onto the stage by an overly enthusiastic 52-year-old woman, causing him to sustain lacerations to the face and neck. The good news is that 1D post-concert traffic has never been lighter, as half the audience files out before the last set so that they can catch the news and get to bed by 10:00.
The guys are already at work on their fifth album which will be titled “Forty” in a nod of appreciation to their older groupies. The new album will include remixes of their previous works with a play on song titles such as “Old Thing”, “Story of My Life Alert” and “Live (or At Least Pretend To) While We’re (No Longer All That) Young(ish)”.
I was able to obtain the lyrics for one of the new songs—a remake of the chart-topping “That’s What Makes You Beautiful”, written specifically for over-the-hill fans. If this is you, then it’s time you let go of the walker, put those teeth back in and sing along!
“That’s What Makes You Middle Aged”
You’re insecure
I know what for
No need to show ID anymore
Ain’t no makeup
could cover up
Maybelline just cannot make enough!
Everyone else in the room reads fine print
everyone else but you…
Baby you light up the room with a clap of hands
And then your left hip goes out, as if on command
When your boobs hit the ground and it’s hard to stand
How can’t you know?
Oh! oh!
You don’t know you’re middle-aged!
If only you saw what I could see
That you need bifocal lenses so desperately
Right now I’m Face-Timing you and I can’t believe
You can’t find
your phone
That’s what makes you middle-aged!
So-so come on,
Put down that thong
Turn up your plug if you can’t hear this song
Soon you will die, no need to lie
I see the Botox injected ‘round your eye eye eyes
Everyone else in the room can thumb-text
Everyone else but you…
Yeah, your AARP discount’s really cool
But when you flip your cellphone, it’s so old school
When you say you’re still 30, nobody’s fooled
We all know
Oh! oh!
We all know you’re middle-aged!
That’s what makes you middle-aged!
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